This is the letter my dog sent out to his caregiver, Uncle Jungle JMC, before his recent stay at our house while we were in Key West.
Dear Uncle Jay,
Thank you for taking care of me this week. I am excited. Not pee on the floor excited, but excited nonetheless.
One thing you should know before we go any further: I am the most spoiled dog in all of Maine.
With that in mind, here’s my daily schedule!
I will get up when you do and after you let me out of the crate I enjoy a good stretch then I need to go out immediately to pee. It is the way of the warrior. It helps me if you say, “Potty, outside, Sparky! Find a place!” a couple of times. Then when I’m done I will happily trot back inside.
I need to go for a walk in the morning, fairly soon after I wake up. Daddy takes FOREVER to get ready after he’s read his Facebook page, Twitter and friends list. Oh, and email. And had his tea. Then we go out. Please don’t do this to me. Just get up, pat my head, maybe have a cup of tea or coffee and then we can go for a walk!
Mom and Dad told you my favorite walking routes so we can go on those. Please bring treats. I respond well to those. If you hold your hand down by your side with a treat in it and say “Close!”, I will stay close to your hip.
After my walk, I need a bowl of water, as we are big on proper hydration in this house, especially for dogs. You can feed me breakfast before you go out. 1 can of food with 2 squirts of fish oil and a biscuit treat on top. Mom & Dad make me sit and wait until they say “Okay!” then I can eat.
I like a Greenie Bone after breakfast or one at bedtime. It’s good for my teeth and body.
Did I mention I am the most spoiled dog in Maine?
Feel free to go about your daily routine. I am content to be by myself but am always overjoyed to have company! If you are home and it’s warm enough, I like to go out on the deck and watch over my domain.
If I am out on the deck and I bark at someone or something or some other dog guilty of frontin’, Mom or Dad gently say, “Sparky, Quiet!” and then I have to come inside for a minute or two. I try my best but sometimes even a pug looks like an Al Qaeda sleeper agent!
(In summer, I often find myself on the wrong side of the door and need to be let in to make sure this is not the case. Several times an hour. Daddy says this is what’s kept him from finishing his new novel. I say it’s his celebrity gossip sites).
If you are out at work during the day, it’d be nice if someone could check on me after 4 or 5 hours or so. I’m pretty good about holding my bladder but let’s not test it, please? Okay.
Please make sure I am in off the deck before you go out anywhere. It’s easy to forget as I will often be quietly lying down thinking dog thoughts.
I prefer to walk between 4PM and 5PM at night. Saddle me up, put my harness on and I am ready. Same as the morning. I like consistency.
After my evening walk, it’s the same routine as breakfast: 1 can, 2 squirts of oil and a wee biscuit!
When I finish my dinner, however, and Daddy says ONLY if I finish my dinner, I get one of my special treats, a Yoghund. It’s frozen yogurt. For dogs. So what? I said I was the most spoiled dog in Maine, didn’t I? And it’s worth it to see me play with the empty cup afterwards.
After dinner and dessert, I like to chill out on my bed, maybe sniff George’s butt or something then sleep on the rug. I am allowed up on the couch or the bed but only if I sit and get permission.
If I start to look expectantly at you around 10PM, it’s because that’s when I like to go to bed. Maybe 11PM tops, but by then I am kinda whiny. Please let me out to go pee again (See above. I lose a bit of focus at night because there is more of a chance of Al Qaeda or Russian spies out there) and then it’s off to bed! You don’t have to go to bed when I do and I may just find my way to my crate on my own. Whichever way it goes make sure I tinkle before I see the stars twinkle. Or something like that.
Please don’t leave me alone in my crate in the bedroom. I cry. A lot.
I am the most spoiled dog in Maine.
And I am so excited for you to come stay with me!!!